a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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