I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.