Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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