I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
