I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
