if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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