She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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