The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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