im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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