I wish I could punch you in the face.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
