If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
