Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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