im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
