I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
