Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
