I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
