I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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