I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
