he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
