oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
