I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
