I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
