tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
