you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
