my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
