took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
