I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
