Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Bring me that man meat
Randomize
