If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
