My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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