I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
