This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize