You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
