He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
