State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
