last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
