if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The best revenge is premature balding
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
