I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
