Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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