Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
