I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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