Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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