...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
