Will you blow on my dice?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
