hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
