Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
