the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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