Apparently you make a good broom.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
