I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
