your parents love me but you hate me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
