The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
