I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
