i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
