I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A+ Viking dick
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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