You smell like a Billy Joel song
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
