I cut my penus on the lid.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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